26 Mar 09

I managed to took some photo of his sms again...

This time, I found that he sent an sms to a gal (I have confirmed it's a gal as I tried calling that hp) asking her if she is free. She replied with an address. That was 52mins after he left for his job!

I asked him about his task last nite since he only came back at 2am in the morning and he told me he was waiting over at the site most of the time!

I was quite happy to receive his sms today saying to pick me up from work....but too bad he alighted halfway and went to work. I called his hp at 10pm, he is working and says that he will sms me when coming back...

I'm in a confused state of mind....felt betrayed but at the same time seeing him doing his part..... Is this considered the state where he is in the midst of changing but still can't let go of his thirst- quench habits?

25 Mar 09

I saw my Cecilia today.....

I was told that my task is to love myself more. Be firm and assertive.
I need to change my compromising character and speak out more.

I did try but it was really tiring and the Cecilia says it's normal as it's against my nature. She wanted me to try to compliment him more so as to show some appreciation of his effort.

I will try......

Hitting him again?

He is working full day today and told me his job would end at 9pm today.

I have arranged to go to West Coast Park with my parents and bro's family. I did not tell him about my plan. He didn't ask.....then he started scolding my girl for wearing such ugly clothes. My girl told him that mommy told her to wear a short skirt over her 3/4 tights to prevent her white tights from turning black. I re-inforced what my girl said and I got scolded by him. He shouted that "That's why I'm telling you it's damn ugly!"

I ignored his words and didn't get my girl to change her clothes. She didn't have any other pants except jeans. So I don't bother and anyway, it's a trend nowadays to wear skirts over tights.

While getting ready to go out (sending him to work first), my kids fight....apparently over a toy binoculars which my girl found. Two of them were snatching and my boy started pulling my girl's hair. MY husband was quite angry over it and started scolding my girl, asking her f she knows why her bro pulls her hair. She doesn't...

As we were getting ready to go out, my boy suddenly cried and ran into the room looking for me. I was in the room taking their socks. When my girl came into the room, I asked her what happened and she told me daddy beat him with the glass bottle that daddy drinks his beer.

Shocked but unsure what she really meant, I went out to ask him about the bottle thing. He brushed me off angrily say, "what bottle? don't have lah". Didn't want to pursue further in case he would be late for his job, we left the house.

In the car, my husband kept asking my girl why she allows others to bully her and if she don't find out why she was being bullied (like what her bro did just now), she would be caned! My gosh! Is that a threat to my girl? Is that so serious that we need to threaten her?

I'm getting worried....when is he losing his control....

5 Mar 09- He apologised

He suddenly sms me to apologised and told me to forget everything.

He says he is sorry to bring so much unhappiness to me and we should spend more time together and take leave once a month to do things together.

I asked him if he has stopped contacting that gal and he says yes.

We brought our kids to Chinatown for a walk after dinner and he sounds very patience with me.

The Begining of my Ordeal...

He left one of his phone at home while he went to work. After much "pushing" from my mother-in-law, I decided to take a look at his phone.

I got the shocked...he has been sms-ing a gal with mushy messages and also told her about our marital "problems". He even promised to settle things with me and she would be the first to know the outcome.

I broke down.....couldn't believe what I saw. I always thought marriage is for life and thought I have found a reliable husband. I have never doubted his faithfulness even though I have friends who warned me about his irregular working schedule. This is the first time, since I got to know him, that I checked on his phone. I was totally lost...

He came back late today as his brother asked him out for dinner. I hoped he would be able to find out more and also get him back on his right mind.

4 Mar 09

No positive outcome at all....

Instead his elder brother called and says that I have to talk to him. The problem lies with communication.

What is this? Of course there's communication issue. My husband don't talk at all. In our house, there is only 1-way communication. If any of us (including his mother) tried to establish a 2-way communication, we will end up being scolded. His scolding would be loud voices plus hurting verbs. So we end up the losing end as both me and my MIL can't speak as loud as him and we are not good in scolding. This kind of communciation has been going on for years.

I had always thought that by giving in, everyone happy, I would be too. I AM WRONG. This doesm't work at all. I ended up being the dependent, no-brain woman who can't make decisions and can't handle things/situations alone.

This was one of the reason quoted by him and that's why he says I'm a changed person...we have different frequency. I'm worst after having my 2 kids. I'm no longer the active person who goes canoeing and mountain climbing. Instead I'm always going to my parent's place whenever he works on weekends!

My gosh...I'm dumbed founded. I never knew that my sacrifice (in his context is not) is not worth it. I spent all my free time to handle the kids so that he can work anytime he is activated by his company. This, in return, becomes reason for my marriage failure.

I started to ask myself where have I gone wrong....Did I not do enough for him and the family? Finally, I found the answer (after being reminded by my friends and family members)..... I did TOO MUCH. I did too much and gave him a too comfortable life to go out and have a rendevous whenever he wants. I gave him so much trust that I never at anytime check on him.

Should I just let him go?

The Shocking Moment

That was 1.45 am in the morning....2nd day of 2009.

The beginning of a new year...
He told me he wants a separation.....

He says he has been thinking about our matters a lot. He has long "thrown" me out of his life for many years. He says that I'm a changed person eversince we had our first kid. I changed for the worst when we had our 2nd. He complained that I am no longer the active gal that he knows. He says he remembers I used to tell him about my cycling, camping and hiking trips. Now, I'm just a dependent person. Everytimes he works overthe weekend, I would "run" to my parent's place. He could not understand why I can't just bring the kids out on my own or stay at home to look after them.....he even hated the fact that I need to think about what to drink when he asked me after a meal! He rattled on and on.....all sounds ridiculous to me. I couldn't understand a single bit of his complaint and where the problem lies.

He continues saying how he hated my mother and my brother...He says we no longer has same frequency and everything I do, I can't accomplished on my own. He even said that I was negative thinking.....

I asked if he has a gal outside....he says no and continue rattling about my shortcomings...

I was hurt....very very hurt. All the said shortcomings....I couldn't recognise.

Guess I should have made a new year resolution.